say something interesting here

Ummm....

hi.

How do I feel today? I feel.... less than perfect. But! (it's a big but so that's why it gets an !)Again, But! I am on the track that hopefully is a little closer to the right dirt path then I was before.

So I suppose, I'm good.

And I don't know quite what I'm doing here.

I'm such the diary tease. I have started a million and never keep up with them past 6 months or so. I just get busy or run out of things to talk about.

(which is odd, me not talking.. me not having anything to talk about... odd odd odd!!!)

Um so, have a glass of wine and toast to a new start and me doing better!!

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Now that I'm settled in - I have a couple things I'd like to talk to myself about.

1. The boyfriend situation. There is this guy. Jeremy. (oh my god it's his real name.. I really think there are thousands of Jeremys so I'm not worried about it).. oh I was off track again... ok Jeremy. there. We've been together for a little over 8 months. It sounds like a long time.. it is a long time. When we first got together, I was ALL ABOUT Jeremy. I was so much more ABOUT him then he was about me. The reasons behind this are: 1)I didn't have a steady job at the time. So in effect he was the center of my life. I didn't have a lot of friends and I certainly didn't socialize to meet any. So there.. I was pathetic and insecure and again I say it:He was the center of my life. 2)Let's be painfully honest here. I was happy to be able to say "I had a boyfriend". I know, I sound so grade schoolish. (I'm almost 23 btw). But it was some sort of status club that I wanted to be a part of. You just can't get in without a boy on your arm. I didn't appreciate the full quality of being a single onmyown girlie! But I'll get to that later.

So you see... I had this loserish stink about me that made me cling a little bit to this boy. And as I've discovered now, back then he loved the attention. He did not give a whole lot back. It felt very one-sided. But he loved it.

So a couple things happened in the middle of this relationship. I got a job working in theatre that really put me back on the right track for my life (hopefully) and I made a whole lot of new friends that I completely love to death and I actually begin to socialize like a normal person.

And Jeremy well... Jeremy missed his attention. Jeremy suddenly became ALL ABOUT me and I was so much less about him. He moved to the sides of my life.. like icing on the cake... and he missed his central position. Well.. I should say misses...

So now I'm at this point where, yes I still enjoy hanging out with him--well occasionally when we aren't fighting about stupid things (that basically boils down to why am I not giving him my undivided life attention anymore), but I want to enjoy my newfound life as a SINGLE unattached woman.

It's not the boy factor. I will admit I have been looking around myself and have noticed attractive boys.. I've even flirted (shameful of me really) with some of these attractive boys. Fortunately or Unfortunately (however you may see it), most of these boys are gay (I work in theatre remember). But, I don't want to be SINGLE because of the boy factor. It's not that I only want Jeremy.. that I KNOW is not true.. but I just want to focus on my life and having fun before I hit the ripe ole age of 25.. or 30.. or 50.

The thing is.. the delicate situation of explaining my feelings and remaining close with Jeremy all at the same time. A nearly impossible task as it stands I'm afraid. I did have a long talk with him about how I couldn't give him 100% anymore because that energy was going towards my work and towards me. Sounds selfish? Yes well it is selfish. However, I don't want to dedicate myself to someone else yet, if ever. I'm too damn young to make that decision.

But I do want to remain friends with him. I just don't want to be committed to him. I explained everything and yet the next weekend he is still acting like .. well the same.

Ugg it's frustrating.

And I'm tired of it.

Well. I'm going to stop for now. It's time to dye my hair so I can fake fire again and get some sleepies.

Oh and I will someday get around to designing my own layout. Promises Promises.

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kitty

before . after